But writing is something different. Writing is something I do, that I chose to be a part of, that I struggle with and potentially learn from. It's something I have a passion for. Something that I've been embarrassed of at times and proud of at others.
When I was in High School I was published. Two poems in different poetry books. I was ecstatic and so proud but now I look at the poems and think "what was I thinking?!" In college I had two more poems published, this time in the school literary magazine. I don't know why... while the first two poems are in actual books with actual ISBN numbers... the other two were seen by my peers. I had professors and students alike comment on them. I felt like they had more of an impact.
But poetry isn't the only thing that I've done. I've taken extensive writing courses and even wanted to go to school for writing, not English, for a long time. I changed my mind when I realized how terribly hard it was to get a book published but I continued writing.
By the time I was 17 I had nine manuscripts fully written. Were they any good? Probably not. But I had written out full stories with a plot and characters. At the very least, they were practice and something worth being proud of.
When college came I began to rewrite those stories, make them more readable and more entertaining, I didn't write anything new.
When Cathy died I read Twilight (as mentioned in this post) and then November sprung up upon me. NaNoWriMo was something I had tried once before and had failed miserably but I wanted to put my anger, confusion, hurt, and sorrow into words that didn't need to be heard. I wrote a story and won NaNoWriMo that year within three weeks. It felt wonderful to be writing again, wonderful to get all of those emotions out. The story is tucked away in a file and I'm actually very proud of it. If every I got enough nerve I'd edit the story then try to get it published.
The following year I tried NaNoWriMo again and won with flying colors, it was a continuation of the first story. This year I'm a little dried out, a little confused as to what I should write. But write I will.
Sometimes I write with the dreams of being published and holding my work in a hard bound book. But sometimes I write to keep the demons at bay. It will always be there, even if I don't do it all the time, writing is always there. I guess that's what makes me a writer.